Ah, Nairobi! The city of endless opportunities, stunning skylines, and—let’s face it—exhausting house-hunting escapades. If you’ve ever tried house-hunting in this bustling metropolis, you know it can feel like embarking on an epic quest. Picture this: you, armed with a thoughtful list of must-haves, a budget tighter than your favourite pair of jeans post-holiday season, and the unwavering optimism that your dream apartment is out there, somewhere. What follows is a tale of oscillation between woe, laughter, and the defeating realization that house-hunting in Nairobi is not for the faint-hearted. And perhaps that you have taken on the challenge of a lifetime!

House-Hunting in Nairobi Requires Patience & Courage

You’ve got to approach house-hunting in Nairobi with an attitude of patience. Really. Otherwise, you just won’t have the courage to get into it! I had no trepidation at all! Not at first anyway. It started with a decision as innocent as a baby’s first smile: “I think I’ll move to a new apartment.” With the resolve of a novice snake charmer setting out to spellbind the snake in the bag before him, I enlisted the help of a property agent, convinced that his expertise would turn my search into a walk in Uhuru Park. Little did I know, I was about to step into a whirlwind of bewildering experiences.

House-Hunting in Nairobi Requires “Measured Expectations”

Armed with Pinterest-inspired dreams, a laundry list of demands as long as a giraffe’s neck and the naïve optimism of someone who’s never had to go house hunting in Nairobi, I conveyed my wishes to the property agent. “I want a two-bedroom apartment, spacious kitchen, modern amenities, secure neighbourhood, and, oh, a nice view would be splendid.” The agent nodded sagely, a gleam of hope in their eyes—or was it amusement? I couldn’t tell.

The First Viewing: Reality Strikes

 My first viewing was in a neighbourhood that my agent described as “up and coming.” Translation: it was neither up nor coming. The apartment was a throwback to the 1970s, complete with peeling wallpaper and a bathroom that looked like it hadn’t seen a mop since Moi was president. The “spacious kitchen” turned out to be a tiny corner with a stove that probably had a direct hotline to a fire extinguisher. The living room had a tiny window overlooking a neighbour’s laundry line. But hey, the view was indeed “nice”—if you squinted just right, you could see a sliver of sky between two high-rise buildings. I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.

Can’t Laugh at Yourself? House-Hunting in Nairobi Will Really Suck!

After several more disappointing viewings, each one more comical than the last, I began to see the humour in my situation. I also began to get less irritable with the whole experience. My agent, who it seemed was either unable to comprehend my requirements, or couldn’t simply meet them made up for some of his gaffes with such positivity that I was struggling to find fault with him. There was the apartment with a “unique layout”—essentially a labyrinth of tiny rooms connected by narrow hallways, perfect if you’re practising for a career as a maze runner. Another gem had a balcony so small, standing on it felt like balancing on a matchstick.

One particularly memorable apartment had a bedroom with no windows. There was no negligible natural lighting in any of the other rooms too. “It’s great for privacy,” the agent assured me. “And claustrophobia,” I muttered under my breath. I began to suspect that my agent’s sense of humour was the only thing getting them through the day.

Inflexible? House-Hunting in Nairobi Will ServeYou a Budget Reality Check

One sunny afternoon, I came across a listing that seemed too good to be true. It was a two-bedroom apartment in Westlands, within my budget! I rushed to view it, only to find out that “within my budget” meant excluding an array of hidden costs: service charges, parking fees, and a mysterious “maintenance fund” that apparently covered everything from fixing light bulbs to feeding the guard dogs. Lesson learned: always read the fine print.

Clarity Wins When House-Hunting in Nairobi

After several more duds, I realized that part of the problem was me. I wasn’t being clear enough with my agent. My vague requests for a “nice place” weren’t cutting it. I needed to be explicit. “I want two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a balcony, and a place that allows pets,” I finally spelt out. My agent’s eyes widened—either in understanding or shock at my newfound assertiveness.

Infer What You Will From The Language of Listings

Just when I thought I had seen it all, my agent took me to a place with “artistic charm.” It was an understatement. The walls were painted in psychedelic colours, and the kitchen sink was in the living room, right next to what appeared to be a homemade disco ball. The landlord proudly showed off the “custom features,” and I nodded politely while internally plotting my escape.

Despite the setbacks, I pressed on, buoyed by the belief that the perfect apartment was just one viewing away. I developed a thick skin and a keen eye for red flags. “Close to amenities” became code for “next to a noisy bar,” and “charming” meant “tiny but overpriced.”

House-Hunting in Nairobi is a Marathon not a Sprint!

Just when I was about to throw in the towel and resign myself to a life of perpetual couch-surfing, I stumbled upon a listing that sounded too good to be true. Naturally, I approached it with the skepticism of a cat faced with a cucumber. But to my amazement, the apartment was everything I wanted: spacious, modern, secure, and with a view that didn’t involve peeking through alleyways. It was priced slightly above the price point I had indicated to the agent. But, to say the least, I was just happy to chalk this down to unrealistic expectations on my part if it meant that this whole protracted, woefully slow search could finally come to an end.

The Happy Ending (With a Twist)

Of course, the rental process wasn’t without its hiccups. There was a moment of sheer panic when the landlord mentioned a “slight issue” with the plumbing, which turned out to be a geyser-like fountain in the bathroom. But after a few negotiations, repairs, and a lot of patience, I finally moved into my new apartment.

Lessons Learned: My Tips for House-Hunting in Nairobi

If you’re embarking on the noble quest of finding a rental apartment in Nairobi, here are a few tips to help you navigate the chaos:

Conclusion

House hunting in Nairobi is an adventure filled with highs, lows, and plenty of laughs. Whether you’re dealing with quirky listings or navigating the complexities of the rental market, remember that persistence and a good sense of humour are your best allies. So, gear up, take a deep breath, and dive into the rental jungle—your perfect home might just be one viewing away.